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|Q: What do you
call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ?
A: A good start !
Q: How can you tell when a
lawyer is lying ?
Q: What's the difference
between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road ?
Q: Why won't sharks attack
Q: What do you have when a
lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand ?
Q: How do you get a lawyer
out of a tree ?
Q: Do you know how to save
a drowning lawyer ?
Q: What's the difference
between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?
Q: What is the definition
of a shame (as in "that's a shame") ?
Q: What is the definition
of a "crying shame" ?
Q: What do you get when
you cross the Godfather with a lawyer ?
Q: Why is it that many
lawyers have broken noses ?
Q: Where can you find a
good lawyer ?
Q: What's the difference
between a lawyer and a gigolo ?
Q: What's the difference
between a lawyer and a vampire ?
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher, after a few sips, everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great ! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor.
1. Next time, sip rather than
There will not be a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Q: What can lifesavers do that men can't ?
A five year old goes to pre-school for the first day, when he got home his mother asked him what he did at school. He replied," We played Choo-choo" "Use big words" said his mother. "OK. We played train."
The next day when the child came home, his mother asked him what he did at school. He said "We played woof woof !" "Use big words," said his mother. "OK, we played dogs!"
The next day, the child came home from school and again his mother asked him what he did that day. The little boy told her they watched a movie. When she inquired about the name of the movie, the little boy replied, "Winnie the Shit"
There were 3 climbers stuck on top of a freezing cold mountain. Due to the extreme conditions, they knew that they were going to be left there to die. Suddenly, God appeared through the clouds and said "you guys can each choose to be one thing to get you to the bottom of the mountain!"
Q: Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes ?
Q: How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in
the playground ?
Q: What do you call a trickle of sweat
going down Dolly Parton's cleavage ?
Q: What's brown, soft and sits on a piano
Q: What did Helen Keller say when she was
handed a cheese grater ?
Superman is on his way to a large reunion of super heroes being held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late, his clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight. As he approaches his table, his friend Batman yells, "Hey, Man of Steel, what happened to you ?"
"Well, I was zipping down the coastline making great time, when suddenly I look down and there lying on the beach is Wonder Woman - naked !"
"Wow!" says Robin "What did
you do ?"
Q: Why didn't Dolly Parton ever take up
stage acting ?
Q: What's the name of the bald actor that
dices food ?
Q: What did Spock find in the toilet?
Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other
gay sperm ?
A man went to see his doctor, and said " Doctor, I have a terrible fetish, and I don't know what to do about it". The doctor said " you can tell me, 'cause I'm used to these type of problems". The patient says " I have a fetish about having sex with dogs". The doctor say "Oh man ! How low can you get ?"
"A chihuahua!" says the patient.
A husband and wife had been trying for ages to have a child. When they had no luck, they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that he could find nothing wrong with either of them. He then told them of an old wives tale that he knew. He told the wife to go home, take 2 ball bearings, get her hubby in the sack and have a really good romp. So home she went and did exactly what the doctor told her, and lo and behold she fell pregnant.
They ended up having 2 kids, a daughter and a son.
To cut a long story short, 16 years down the track the daughter comes in to mum and says " I just went to the toilet and had a piddle and a ball bearing fell out." Mum told her not to worry as that happened to all 16 year olds. The daughter was quite satisfied.
A few days later the son goes to his mum
and says he has a problem.
"I was having a wank and, I shot the cat".
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot
with a shark ?
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road ?
One day a man goes into a restaurant. The waiter seats him at an empty table. As the man sat down he knocked a spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter picked up the spoon, and immediately replaced it with a new one out of his pocket. The man thanks the waiter, and asks him how come he knew that was going to happen. The waiter responded that 18% of all customers drop their spoon, so it saves the waiters time to bring a few spoons with them.
After the man has completed his meal, he was paying the waiter, and noticed that there was a string hanging out of his fly. He told the waiter that he had a string coming out of his fly. The waiter said that all waiters tie a knot on their penis with a string, and they pull on it when they want to urinate so they don't get their hands wet, so that they can leave the bathroom without cleaning their hands which saves time.
The man asked him how he gets his penis back into his pants. He replies I'm not sure about the other waiters but I use the spoon.
Q: Why did god only make one Yogi bear
Q: What is the difference between O.J.
Simpson and a lion king ?
Q: What dose the cannibal do after he dumps
his girl friend ?
On the day that Jesus was getting crucified on the Jerusalem hills he called out to one of his disciples "Peter", and Peter replied " Yes Jesus". Then Jesus said "come quickly Peter". So Peter goes up the hill, but half way two Jews that were there guarding him, said "what do you want". Peter replied, "I have to see Jesus" the Jews said "O.K. but only if we chop off your fingers". "Any thing for Jesus", replied Peter, so they chopped off his fingers but kicked him down the hill.
Peter then said "please I must see Jesus" They replied O.K. but only if we can chop off your arms" "yes any thing for Jesus" said peter. They chopped off his arms but kicked him down the hill.
Jesus said "come quickly Peter". So Peter runs up with no arms and said to the Jews "this time please let me see him" "O.K. but only if we can chop off you're legs, any thing for Jesus right ?
They chopped off his legs and kicked him down the hill again.
Then Jesus cried "come quickly Peter". So poor old peter climbs the hill with his chin, then says to the Jews there is nothing else to chop off, now can you let me through, the Jews felt sorry for him and let him up, after 600m of climbing he finally see's Jesus, then Jesus replied ...
"PETER I CAN SEE YOU'RE HOUSE FROM HERE"
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid ! Just great !" says the agent "I can do things for ya ! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (this was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name ?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian". "Scuse me ?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well the young man is heart broken but stead fastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later, he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid ! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work ? Have ya changed your name ?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great!
What's your new name ?" ... "Dick Van Dyke.
A nun and a priest were travelling on a road trip. When they eventually found a motel to spend the night, they found that there was only one room.
The nun said, "Under the circumstances, I don't think God would mind if we shared a room." The priest agreed, and it was decided that he would sleep on the couch and she would take the bed.
After a little time had passed, the nun said, "Father, I'm terribly cold!" The priest said, "OK, sister, I'll get you a blanket." About an hour later, she piped up again, "I'm STILL terribly cold, father." "OK, ok. I'll get you another blanket." After an even longer while, the nun complained again, "oh, this is silly under the circumstances, I don't think God would mind if we acted as man and wife for just one night.
To that, the priest responded,
"Fine with me, so ....
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