Direct Mail Order Products.
|One day Bill complained to his
friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a
His friend said, "Don't do that, there's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store, found the computer, and poured in the sample then deposited his $10. The computer started making some noises, various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to try it again. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog plus urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction, he went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says," yeah, you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So the penis over hears their conversation and says, " you think that your life is tough??
Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly hole and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!"
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman so he climbs on top of her and says "can I turn the light off ?"
"Why .. are you feeling kinky ?" she replies
"No, it's burning my arse!"
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house, he's loaded, he had everything; money, a big house (in Beverley Hills) drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted.
The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves.
"OK, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and the planes." Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time.
"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds, investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool, crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging and finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.
The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done.
Do you want the money now or later ? "I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later ?" "I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later ?" "I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later ?" "I don't want that either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later ?" "I don't want the drugs."
"Do you want the girls now or later ?" "I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says, "Well what the hell do you want ?!?!"
"I want the bastard that pushed me in."
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question ?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question ?" Son: "What is politics ?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government." We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People." We'll call the maid "The Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "The Future." "Do you understand, Son ?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.'
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
There are three guys at a monastery getting ready for the test to see who will become the new high priest, each man has to tie a bell at the end of his dick and last more than 15 seconds while getting sexually harassed by naked women.
Then afterwards when they are all in the shower, then ding a ling his bell rings.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ...
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish !"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over ?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down, but be warned it will not work again for a year !"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news ....
So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What Did You Say '123' For?"
Why do men like love at first sight ?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of ?
Q: How can you tell soap operas are
Q: How does a man show he's planning for
the future ?
Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers ?
Q: What's the difference between a new
husband and a new dog ?
Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world ?
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a
light bulb ?
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay ?
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually
Q: What's the difference between men and
government bonds ?
Q: How do you save a man from drowning ?
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short ?
Q: What do men and beer bottles have in
Q: How many men does it take to change a
roll of toilet paper ?
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