'Free Jokes'

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  "JOKES"

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MORE JOKES

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Having had one too many, the drunk was beginning to display his ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey! How about it babe, You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money,
but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back at him and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend,
"When did you first realise that you were in love with me?"

"Well, I suppose..." whispered the man tenderly,
"It was when, I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar, one complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away, immediately he apologised for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman, he asks,
"Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister." ...

"Well then, you better make it 13."

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live, he goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied, and so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says,
"you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion,
he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again,
"You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, (you guessed it)
he taps her on the shoulder again and says,
"Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die,
can we do it one more time?"

Well ... she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says,
"You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning.

I do!!!"

Why is sex like air?

It's no big thing unless you're not getting any.

John's 6 year old son asked what's a penis.
Jon whipped his out and said, "Son, *this* is a penis, as a matter of fact, it's a *perfect* penis".

The next day, John's son was playing with the little girl next door and *she* asked what a penis was.
He whipped his out and said, "*This* is a penis.

As a matter of fact, if it was four inches shorter,
it'd be a *perfect* penis."

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer, he taps him on the shoulder and says,

"You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,
"I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

(helps if you imagine using a New Zealand accent . . . )

Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber, the plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes. The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.

The outraged doctor stammers "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"

The plumber smiles and says "Yeah, I know,
I didn't make that much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either"

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other,
"You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.

"That's going to be hard to beat,
what are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

Still Lots - MORE JOKES

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