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Just because you have a head like a bullet
doesn't mean that your a BIG SHOT

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  "JOKES"

Please ... ONLY Original Jokes!

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MORE JOKES

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Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.

1. First mother says,
   "My son is a Monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'"
2. Second mother says,
   "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"
3. Third mother says,
   "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"
4. The fourth mother pauses, and finally says,
   "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle.

When he walks in the room - people greet him
'Oh, My God!'"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after,
you'll be here after I'm gone."

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,
"HEY YOU! .... ON STAGE!

You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We're not all stupid ye know!"

"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"I'm not talking to you!" The hick replied,
"I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

My penis is 12 inches long, but I don't use it as a rule.

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip, they rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods, they spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed, one guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says,
"Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the traffic lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."

The man says, "I'm sorry officer I can't do that, I'm an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine, I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

I can't do that either, I'm a haemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either, I'm also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I'm so sorry officer, I can't do that either."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

A guy comes home completely drunk one night, he lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says.
"The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! ... there's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is!
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?"
she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," the bartender answers.

"Do you have huge Golden Doors ?"
"Sure do."

"Do you have Golden Floors ?"
"We, most certainly do." he replied.

"What about a Golden Urinal?"
there's a long pause, ....................

Then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey - Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night !"

Lots - MORE Jokes

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