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A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.
Being a good Samaritan, the man
The man walks over and tries to
wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk.
He takes Murphy by the arm and
practically drags him out to the car.
He then drives to the address
the bartender gave him.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy?
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around,
But, where's his wheelchair?"
There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said,
"My greatest sin is sex.
The second nun got up and said,
"My greatest sin is drinking.
The third nun was sitting there
being very quite. T
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."
After a few days, the Lord
called to Adam and said,
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became
aggravated and said,
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language
like that here," she said.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
Gotta tell this one. Only in America:
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against, get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.
After the man
accepted payment for his claim,
. . . for arson.
A blonde (named Judi) and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to
jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped,
so Judi gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
So the redhead said
"Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I
can't take your money".
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother.
"Mommy, what are all those
ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies.
The cabbie, upon hearing this
exchange, turns to the mother and says,
A brief period of silence
follows, and the daughter then asks,
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a 2 car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel.
Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler. The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.
After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him:
"Tell me Father - just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much,
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
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