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  • Three women were talking about their love lives.
  • The first said : 'Mines like a Rolls-Royce, smooth and sophisticated.'
  • The second said: 'Mines like a Porsche, fast and powerful.'
  • The third said : Mines like an old Chevy.
  • It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.'

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.

Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees.
The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk.
The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much.

He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car.
Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys.
Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground.
The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.
He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.
Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door.
He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again.
He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy?
Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around,

But, where's his wheelchair?"

There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.

The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex.
Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute.
But .. of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box, but that is my greatest sin."

The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking.
Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."

The third nun was sitting there being very quite. T
he other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."

The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said,
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.
" Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?"

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

  • A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
  • And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

  • Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

  • And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

Gotta tell this one. Only in America:

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against, get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.

After the man accepted payment for his claim,
the insurance company then had the man him arrested

. . . for arson.

A blonde (named Judi) and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
Judi bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so Judi gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". Judi said "No. A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money".
Judi replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother.

"Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies.
"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!!
Tell your daughter the truth!!!!
For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,
"Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear.
Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a 2 car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel.

Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler. The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.

After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him:

"Tell me Father - just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much,
the second one ... naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

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