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  "JOKES"

Please ... ONLY Original Jokes - NO copyright material !

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".

A man from Boston was visiting family in Atlanta, GA.

One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to to check out their fine, comfortable Southern way of life - something he was not accustomed to, being from Boston.

While walking he came upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts immediately took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled it from the child, and choked the dog until it was dead.

He stood there with the dead animal laying at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous, the headlines would proclaim.

"ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH,"

The would-be savoir explained that would be great, but he was from Boson - not Alterant.

The next day when the paper came out the headlines of the Alterant paper read:

"YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET."

A man travels to Spain and goes into to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner.
He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.
"Coogans, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are coogans?" the man asks.
"Coogans," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Coogans, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had coogans yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Miss Annal has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annal.

"They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

• Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
• To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

• Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
• They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

• What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
• Three more beers !

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?

A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.

Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final
Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl,

"I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles they ride bare back."

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender. The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town." The man worked several months without any problems.

Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.

Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner. He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked or a drink. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man. He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, and turned to leave. Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink.

"I ain't got no time," the man roared.
"Big John is a'comin' to town."