So the vet checks out the dog and say's well sir I'm afraid that your dog is dead.
Well the man didn't want to hear that, so he asked for another opinion.

So the vet sends in a cat, and the cat makes a complete circle around the dog snuffing, it then jumps off the table screeching and raced out the door. The vet says see, even the cat knows that your dog is dead.

Well, the man still wanted another opinion. So the vet sends in a lab dog, the dog snuffs his way around the dog and runs off yelping. So now the man is quite convinced that his dog is dead, so he turns to the vet and asked well, How much do I owe ya?

The vet replies, that will be eight hundred and fifty dollars.

The man says wow! That's a little steep ain't it?

The vet says, well fifty of the bill is my fee, the other eight hundred is for the cat scan and lab work!

The three daughter's of a single mother decide to get married on the same day. They also, decided to stay at their mother's to celebrate their wedding night. That night the mother decided to stroll down the hall of the bedrooms.

She first went to her first daughters bedroom door & heard her daughter crying, she then went to the second bedroom door and discovered her second daughter laughing hysterically, she finally got to the third door and was surprised to hear not a sound from her third daughters bedroom.

When the girls got up for breakfast the next morning , she couldn't help but ask them about what she had heard. She asked her daughters one at a time: "umm, I was wandering through the halls last night and I heard you crying , why were you crying"?  

Her daughter replied. "well you always told me to cry when something hurt".

Then she asked her second daughter "umm. I was walking through the halls last night and heard you laughing, Why were you laughing"?

Her second daughter replied "well you always told me to laugh when something tickled".

She then asked her third daughter "umm. I was walking through the halls last night and didn't hear anything from you, why were you so silent"?

Her daughter replied

"You always told me not to talk with a mouth full."

A daughter decides to bring her boyfriend home to meet the folks.
Now the daughter is a pure virgin, and scared of her own shadow.
But she decides to take her boyfriend to her room and hang out.

So up the stairs they went. But the boyfriend had other ideas. So he takes off his coat;
The girl jets down the stairs and says; "mother, mother, "he took off his coat!

The mother says; "oh, don't be silly go on back up there. So the daughter goes back upstairs.
Well, the boyfriend takes it a bit farther, and now takes off his shirt.
So, again the daughter jets down the stairs to her mother and says to her, "mother, mother", now he took off his shirt!

The mother says; "oh, get back up there silly" The daughter then goes back upstairs.
The boy friend then decides to shed his boots, well when he took off his shoes the daughter noticed that one off his feet was half gone. So she jets down stairs screaming "mother, mother" he's only got a foot in a half!

Mother says; you stay down here I'll go up stairs!

So there's an Italian, German and a Chinese, and they were all do to get the gas chamber. Well, the judge offers them a deal that if they spied on his wife, and tell him if she was cheating on him or not, that they would be released.

So the Italian sets out on this journey, and comes back in front of the judge one week later. Judge says;"well, What did you find out?" The Italian said; I couldn't see nothing! I don't have an answer!

The judge then sends the Italian back to prison.

So out goes the German. The German comes back to the judge and says, "your honour I didn't find know information for you,"I am sorry sir! So back to the pen went the German.

Now he sends out the Chinese man. One week later the Chinese man comes back with a broken neck, broken leg and bruises from head to toe. The judge asks, What in the world happened to you? The Chinese man says; well, you ask me to go see, so I go see. I could not see, so I climb tree, and I saw he, and I saw she.

Judge says; And what did you see?

Chinese man says:

• I saw he,
• I saw she;
• He play with she,
• She play with he,
• Me play with me and fall outa tree!

How do you know when a polock`s been in yer backyard?

When yer garbage is tipped over, and yer dogs pregnant!

Mary had a little lamb and tied him to a heater, and every time he turned around he burned his little peter!

One night as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulders and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

Do you have a Dentist appointment too?

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?

A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he will shut up after you let him in.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

• Then God created man and rested.
• Then God created women.
• Since then, neither God nor man has ever rested.

Always give 100 percent at work.

• 12 percent Monday
• 23 percent Tuesday
• 40 percent Wednesday
• 20 percent Thursday
• 5 percent Friday
• If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

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